Chapter 12
Connie went to the wood directly after lunch. It was really a lovely
day, the first dandelions making suns, the first daisies so white. The
hazel thicket was a lace-work, of half-open leaves, and the last dusty
perpendicular of the catkins. Yellow celandines now were in crowds,
flat open, pressed back in urgency, and the yellow glitter of
themselves. It was the yellow, the powerful yellow of early summer. And
primroses were broad, and full of pale abandon, thick-clustered
primroses no longer shy. The lush, dark green of hyacinths was a sea,
with buds rising like pale corn, while in the riding the forget-me-nots
were fluffing up, and columbines were unfolding their ink-purple
ruches, and there were bits of blue bird's eggshell under a bush.
Everywhere the bud-knots and the leap of life!
The keeper was not at the hut. Everything was serene, brown chickens
running lustily. Connie walked on towards the cottage, because she
wanted to find him.
The cottage stood in the sun, off the wood's edge. In the little garden
the double daffodils rose in tufts, near the wide-open door, and red
double daisies made a border to the path. There was the bark of a dog,
and Flossie came running.
The wide-open door! so he was at home. And the sunlight falling on the
red-brick floor! As she went up the path, she saw him through the
window, sitting at the table in his shirt-sleeves, eating. The dog
wuffed softly, slowly wagging her tail.
He rose, and came to the door, wiping his mouth with a red handkerchief
still chewing.
'May I come in?' she said.
'Come in!'
The sun shone into the bare room, which still smelled of a mutton chop,
done in a dutch oven before the fire, because the dutch oven still
stood on the fender, with the black potato-saucepan on a piece of
paper, beside it on the white hearth. The fire was red, rather low, the
bar dropped, the kettle singing.
On the table was his plate, with potatoes and the remains of the chop;
also bread in a basket, salt, and a blue mug with beer. The table-cloth
was white oil-cloth, he stood in the shade.
'You are very late,' she said. 'Do go on eating!'
She sat down on a wooden chair, in the sunlight by the door.
'I had to go to Uthwaite,' he said, sitting down at the table but not
eating.
'Do eat,' she said. But he did not touch the food.
'Shall y'ave something?' he asked her. 'Shall y'ave a cup of tea? t'
kettle's on t' boil'--he half rose again from his chair.
'If you'll let me make it myself,' she said, rising. He seemed sad, and
she felt she was bothering him.
'Well, tea-pot's in there'--he pointed to a little, drab corner
cupboard; 'an' cups. An' tea's on t' mantel ower yer 'ead.'
She got the black tea-pot, and the tin of tea from the mantel-shelf.
She rinsed the tea-pot with hot water, and stood a moment wondering
where to empty it.
'Throw it out,' he said, aware of her. 'It's clean.'
She went to the door and threw the drop of water down the path. How
lovely it was here, so still, so really woodland. The oaks were putting
out ochre yellow leaves: in the garden the red daisies were like red
plush buttons. She glanced at the big, hollow sandstone slab of the
threshold, now crossed by so few feet.
'But it's lovely here,' she said. 'Such a beautiful stillness,
everything alive and still.'
He was eating again, rather slowly and unwillingly, and she could feel
he was discouraged. She made the tea in silence, and set the tea-pot on
the hob, as she knew the people did. He pushed his plate aside and went
to the back place; she heard a latch click, then he came back with
cheese on a plate, and butter.
She set the two cups on the table; there were only two. 'Will you have
a cup of tea?' she said.
'If you like. Sugar's in th' cupboard, an' there's a little cream jug.
Milk's in a jug in th' pantry.'
'Shall I take your plate away?' she asked him. He looked up at her with
a faint ironical smile.
'Why...if you like,' he said, slowly eating bread and cheese. She went
to the back, into the pent-house scullery, where the pump was. On the
left was a door, no doubt the pantry door. She unlatched it, and almost
smiled at the place he called a pantry; a long narrow white-washed slip
of a cupboard. But it managed to contain a little barrel of beer, as
well as a few dishes and bits of food. She took a little milk from the
yellow jug.
'How do you get your milk?' she asked him, when she came back to the
table.
'Flints! They leave me a bottle at the warren end. You know, where I
met you!'
But he was discouraged. She poured out the tea, poising the cream-jug.
'No milk,' he said; then he seemed to hear a noise, and looked keenly
through the doorway.
''Appen we'd better shut,' he said.
'It seems a pity,' she replied. 'Nobody will come, will they?'
'Not unless it's one time in a thousand, but you never know.'
'And even then it's no matter,' she said. 'It's only a cup of tea.'
'Where are the spoons?'
He reached over, and pulled open the table drawer. Connie sat at the
table in the sunshine of the doorway.
'Flossie!' he said to the dog, who was lying on a little mat at the
stair foot. 'Go an' hark, hark!'
He lifted his finger, and his 'hark!' was very vivid. The dog trotted
out to reconnoitre.
'Are you sad today?' she asked him.
He turned his blue eyes quickly, and gazed direct on her.
'Sad! no, bored! I had to go getting summonses for two poachers I
caught, and, oh well, I don't like people.'
He spoke cold, good English, and there was anger in his voice. 'Do you
hate being a game-keeper?' she asked.
'Being a game-keeper, no! So long as I'm left alone. But when I have to
go messing around at the police-station, and various other places, and
waiting for a lot of fools to attend to me...oh well, I get mad...' and
he smiled, with a certain faint humour.
'Couldn't you be really independent?' she asked.
'Me? I suppose I could, if you mean manage to exist on my pension. I
could! But I've got to work, or I should die. That is, I've got to have
something that keeps me occupied. And I'm not in a good enough temper
to work for myself. It's got to be a sort of job for somebody else, or
I should throw it up in a month, out of bad temper. So altogether I'm
very well off here, especially lately...'
He laughed at her again, with mocking humour.
'But why are you in a bad temper?' she asked. 'Do you mean you are
ALWAYS in a bad temper?'
'Pretty well,' he said, laughing. 'I don't quite digest my bile.'
'But what bile?' she said.
'Bile!' he said. 'Don't you know what that is?' She was silent, and
disappointed. He was taking no notice of her.
'I'm going away for a while next month,' she said.
'You are! Where to?'
'Venice! With Sir Clifford? For how long?'
'For a month or so,' she replied. 'Clifford won't go.'
'He'll stay here?' he asked.
'Yes! He hates to travel as he is.'
'Ay, poor devil!' he said, with sympathy. There was a pause.
'You won't forget me when I'm gone, will you?' she asked. Again he
lifted his eyes and looked full at her.
'Forget?' he said. 'You know nobody forgets. It's not a question of
memory!'
She wanted to say: 'When then?' but she didn't. Instead, she said in a
mute kind of voice: 'I told Clifford I might have a child.'
Now he really looked at her, intense and searching.
'You did?' he said at last. 'And what did he say?'
'Oh, he wouldn't mind. He'd be glad, really, so long as it seemed to be
his.' She dared not look up at him.
He was silent a long time, then he gazed again on her face.
'No mention of ME, of course?' he said.
'No. No mention of you,' she said.
'No, he'd hardly swallow me as a substitute breeder. Then where are you
supposed to be getting the child?'
'I might have a love-affair in Venice,' she said.
'You might,' he replied slowly. 'So that's why you're going?'
'Not to have the love-affair,' she said, looking up at him, pleading.
'Just the appearance of one,' he said.
There was silence. He sat staring out the window, with a faint grin,
half mockery, half bitterness, on his face. She hated his grin.
'You've not taken any precautions against having a child then?' he
asked her suddenly. 'Because I haven't.'
'No,' she said faintly. 'I should hate that.'
He looked at her, then again with the peculiar subtle grin out of the
window. There was a tense silence.
At last he turned his head and said satirically:
'That was why you wanted me, then, to get a child?'
She hung her head.
'No. Not really,' she said.
'What then, REALLY?' he asked rather bitingly.
She looked up at him reproachfully, saying: 'I don't know.'
He broke into a laugh.
'Then I'm damned if I do,' he said.
There was a long pause of silence, a cold silence.
'Well,' he said at last. 'It's as your Ladyship likes. If you get the
baby, Sir Clifford's welcome to it. I shan't have lost anything. On the
contrary, I've had a very nice experience, very nice indeed!'--and he
stretched in a half-suppressed sort of yawn. 'If you've made use of
me,' he said, 'it's not the first time I've been made use of; and I
don't suppose it's ever been as pleasant as this time; though of course
one can't feel tremendously dignified about it.'--He stretched again,
curiously, his muscles quivering, and his jaw oddly set.
'But I didn't make use of you,' she said, pleading.
'At your Ladyship's service,' he replied.
'No,' she said. 'I liked your body.'
'Did you?' he replied, and he laughed. 'Well, then, we're quits,
because I liked yours.'
He looked at her with queer darkened eyes.
'Would you like to go upstairs now?' he asked her, in a strangled sort
of voice.
'No, not here. Not now!' she said heavily, though if he had used any
power over her, she would have gone, for she had no strength against
him.
He turned his face away again, and seemed to forget her. 'I want to
touch you like you touch me,' she said. 'I've never really touched your
body.'
He looked at her, and smiled again.
'Now?' he said.
'No! No! Not here! At the hut. Would you mind?'
'How do I touch you?' he asked.
'When you feel me.'
He looked at her, and met her heavy, anxious eyes.
'And do you like it when I feel you?' he asked, laughing at her still.
'Yes, do you?' she said.
'Oh, me!' Then he changed his tone. 'Yes,' he said. 'You know without
asking.' Which was true.
She rose and picked up her hat. 'I must go,' she said.
'Will you go?' he replied politely.
She wanted him to touch her, to say something to her, but he said
nothing, only waited politely.
'Thank you for the tea,' she said.
'I haven't thanked your Ladyship for doing me the honours of my
tea-pot,' he said.
She went down the path, and he stood in the doorway, faintly grinning.
Flossie came running with her tail lifted. And Connie had to plod
dumbly across into the wood, knowing he was standing there watching
her, with that incomprehensible grin on his face.
She walked home very much downcast and annoyed. She didn't at all like
his saying he had been made use of because, in a sense, it was true.
But he oughtn't to have said it. Therefore, again, she was divided
between two feelings: resentment against him, and a desire to make it
up with him.
She passed a very uneasy and irritated tea-time, and at once went up to
her room. But when she was there it was no good; she could neither sit
nor stand. She would have to do something about it. She would have to
go back to the hut; if he was not there, well and good.
She slipped out of the side door, and took her way direct and a little
sullen. When she came to the clearing she was terribly uneasy. But
there he was again, in his shirt-sleeves, stooping, letting the hens
out of the coops, among the chicks that were now growing a little
gawky, but were much more trim than hen-chickens.
She went straight across to him. 'You see I've come!' she said.
'Ay, I see it!' he said, straightening his back, and looking at her
with a faint amusement.
'Do you let the hens out now?' she asked.
'Yes, they've sat themselves to skin and bone,' he said. 'An' now
they're not all that anxious to come out an' feed. There's no self in a
sitting hen; she's all in the eggs or the chicks.'
The poor mother-hens; such blind devotion! even to eggs not their own!
Connie looked at them in compassion. A helpless silence fell between
the man and the woman.
'Shall us go i' th' 'ut?' he asked.
'Do you want me?' she asked, in a sort of mistrust.
'Ay, if you want to come.'
She was silent.
'Come then!' he said.
And she went with him to the hut. It was quite dark when he had shut
the door, so he made a small light in the lantern, as before.
'Have you left your underthings off?' he asked her.
'Yes!'
'Ay, well, then I'll take my things off too.'
He spread the blankets, putting one at the side for a coverlet. She
took off her hat, and shook her hair. He sat down, taking off his shoes
and gaiters, and undoing his cord breeches.
'Lie down then!' he said, when he stood in his shirt. She obeyed in
silence, and he lay beside her, and pulled the blanket over them both.
'There!' he said.
And he lifted her dress right back, till he came even to her breasts.
He kissed them softly, taking the nipples in his lips in tiny caresses.
'Eh, but tha'rt nice, tha'rt nice!' he said, suddenly rubbing his face
with a snuggling movement against her warm belly.
And she put her arms round him under his shirt, but she was afraid,
afraid of his thin, smooth, naked body, that seemed so powerful, afraid
of the violent muscles. She shrank, afraid.
And when he said, with a sort of little sigh: 'Eh, tha'rt nice!'
something in her quivered, and something in her spirit stiffened in
resistance: stiffened from the terribly physical intimacy, and from the
peculiar haste of his possession. And this time the sharp ecstasy of
her own passion did not overcome her; she lay with her ends inert on
his striving body, and do what she might, her spirit seemed to look on
from the top of her head, and the butting of his haunches seemed
ridiculous to her, and the sort of anxiety of his penis to come to its
little evacuating crisis seemed farcical. Yes, this was love, this
ridiculous bouncing of the buttocks, and the wilting of the poor,
insignificant, moist little penis. This was the divine love! After all,
the moderns were right when they felt contempt for the performance; for
it was a performance. It was quite true, as some poets said, that the
God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humour, creating
him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous
posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous
performance. Even a Maupassant found it a humiliating anti-climax. Men
despised the intercourse act, and yet did it.
Cold and derisive her queer female mind stood apart, and though she lay
perfectly still, her impulse was to heave her loins, and throw the man
out, escape his ugly grip, and the butting over-riding of his absurd
haunches. His body was a foolish, impudent, imperfect thing, a little
disgusting in its unfinished clumsiness. For surely a complete
evolution would eliminate this performance, this 'function'.
And yet when he had finished, soon over, and lay very very still,
receding into silence, and a strange motionless distance, far, farther
than the horizon of her awareness, her heart began to weep. She could
feel him ebbing away, ebbing away, leaving her there like a stone on a
shore. He was withdrawing, his spirit was leaving her. He knew.
And in real grief, tormented by her own double consciousness and
reaction, she began to weep. He took no notice, or did not even know.
The storm of weeping swelled and shook her, and shook him.
'Ay!' he said. 'It was no good that time. You wasn't there.'--So he
knew! Her sobs became violent.
'But what's amiss?' he said. 'It's once in a while that way.'
'I...I can't love you,' she sobbed, suddenly feeling her heart
breaking.
'Canna ter? Well, dunna fret! There's no law says as tha's got to. Ta'e
it for what it is.'
He still lay with his hand on her breast. But she had drawn both her
hands from him.
His words were small comfort. She sobbed aloud.
'Nay, nay!' he said. 'Ta'e the thick wi' th' thin. This wor a bit o'
thin for once.'
She wept bitterly, sobbing. 'But I want to love you, and I can't. It
only seems horrid.'
He laughed a little, half bitter, half amused.
'It isna horrid,' he said, 'even if tha thinks it is. An' tha canna
ma'e it horrid. Dunna fret thysen about lovin' me. Tha'lt niver force
thysen to 't. There's sure to be a bad nut in a basketful. Tha mun ta'e
th' rough wi' th' smooth.'
He took his hand away from her breast, not touching her. And now she
was untouched she took an almost perverse satisfaction in it. She hated
the dialect: the THEE and the THA and the THYSEN. He could get up if he
liked, and stand there, above her, buttoning down those absurd corduroy
breeches, straight in front of her. After all, Michaelis had had the
decency to turn away. This man was so assured in himself he didn't know
what a clown other people found him, a half-bred fellow.
Yet, as he was drawing away, to rise silently and leave her, she clung
to him in terror.
'Don't! Don't go! Don't leave me! Don't be cross with me! Hold me! Hold
me fast!' she whispered in blind frenzy, not even knowing what she
said, and clinging to him with uncanny force. It was from herself she
wanted to be saved, from her own inward anger and resistance. Yet how
powerful was that inward resistance that possessed her!
He took her in his arms again and drew her to him, and suddenly she
became small in his arms, small and nestling. It was gone, the
resistance was gone, and she began to melt in a marvellous peace. And
as she melted small and wonderful in his arms, she became infinitely
desirable to him, all his blood-vessels seemed to scald with intense
yet tender desire, for her, for her softness, for the penetrating
beauty of her in his arms, passing into his blood. And softly, with
that marvellous swoon-like caress of his hand in pure soft desire,
softly he stroked the silky slope of her loins, down, down between her
soft warm buttocks, coming nearer and nearer to the very quick of her.
And she felt him like a flame of desire, yet tender, and she felt
herself melting in the flame. She let herself go. She felt his penis
risen against her with silent amazing force and assertion and she let
herself go to him. She yielded with a quiver that was like death, she
went all open to him. And oh, if he were not tender to her now, how
cruel, for she was all open to him and helpless!
She quivered again at the potent inexorable entry inside her, so
strange and terrible. It might come with the thrust of a sword in her
softly-opened body, and that would be death. She clung in a sudden
anguish of terror. But it came with a strange slow thrust of peace, the
dark thrust of peace and a ponderous, primordial tenderness, such as
made the world in the beginning. And her terror subsided in her breast,
her breast dared to be gone in peace, she held nothing. She dared to
let go everything, all herself and be gone in the flood.
And it seemed she was like the sea, nothing but dark waves rising and
heaving, heaving with a great swell, so that slowly her whole darkness
was in motion, and she was Ocean rolling its dark, dumb mass. Oh, and
far down inside her the deeps parted and rolled asunder, in long,
fair-travelling billows, and ever, at the quick of her, the depths
parted and rolled asunder, from the centre of soft plunging, as the
plunger went deeper and deeper, touching lower, and she was deeper and
deeper and deeper disclosed, the heavier the billows of her rolled away
to some shore, uncovering her, and closer and closer plunged the
palpable unknown, and further and further rolled the waves of herself
away from herself leaving her, till suddenly, in a soft, shuddering
convulsion, the quick of all her plasm was touched, she knew herself
touched, the consummation was upon her, and she was gone. She was gone,
she was not, and she was born: a woman.
Ah, too lovely, too lovely! In the ebbing she realized all the
loveliness. Now all her body clung with tender love to the unknown man,
and blindly to the wilting penis, as it so tenderly, frailly,
unknowingly withdrew, after the fierce thrust of its potency. As it
drew out and left her body, the secret, sensitive thing, she gave an
unconscious cry of pure loss, and she tried to put it back. It had been
so perfect! And she loved it so!
And only now she became aware of the small, bud-like reticence and
tenderness of the penis, and a little cry of wonder and poignancy
escaped her again, her woman's heart crying out over the tender frailty
of that which had been the power.
'It was so lovely!' she moaned. 'It was so lovely!' But he said
nothing, only softly kissed her, lying still above her. And she moaned
with a sort of bliss, as a sacrifice, and a newborn thing.
And now in her heart the queer wonder of him was awakened.
A man! The strange potency of manhood upon her! Her hands strayed over
him, still a little afraid. Afraid of that strange, hostile, slightly
repulsive thing that he had been to her, a man. And now she touched
him, and it was the sons of god with the daughters of men. How
beautiful he felt, how pure in tissue! How lovely, how lovely, strong,
and yet pure and delicate, such stillness of the sensitive body! Such
utter stillness of potency and delicate flesh. How beautiful! How
beautiful! Her hands came timorously down his back, to the soft,
smallish globes of the buttocks. Beauty! What beauty! a sudden little
flame of new awareness went through her. How was it possible, this
beauty here, where she had previously only been repelled? The
unspeakable beauty to the touch of the warm, living buttocks! The life
within life, the sheer warm, potent loveliness. And the strange weight
of the balls between his legs! What a mystery! What a strange heavy
weight of mystery, that could lie soft and heavy in one's hand! The
roots, root of all that is lovely, the primeval root of all full
beauty.
She clung to him, with a hiss of wonder that was almost awe, terror. He
held her close, but he said nothing. He would never say anything. She
crept nearer to him, nearer, only to be near to the sensual wonder of
him. And out of his utter, incomprehensible stillness, she felt again
the slow momentous, surging rise of the phallus again, the other power.
And her heart melted out with a kind of awe.
And this time his being within her was all soft and iridescent, purely
soft and iridescent, such as no consciousness could seize. Her whole
self quivered unconscious and alive, like plasm. She could not know
what it was. She could not remember what it had been. Only that it had
been more lovely than anything ever could be. Only that. And afterwards
she was utterly still, utterly unknowing, she was not aware for how
long. And he was still with her, in an unfathomable silence along with
her. And of this, they would never speak.
When awareness of the outside began to come back, she clung to his
breast, murmuring 'My love! My love!' And he held her silently. And she
curled on his breast, perfect.
But his silence was fathomless. His hands held her like flowers, so
still aid strange.
'Where are you?' she whispered to him. 'Where are you? Speak to me!
Say something to me!'
He kissed her softly, murmuring: 'Ay, my lass!'
But she did not know what he meant, she did not know where he was. In
his silence he seemed lost to her.
'You love me, don't you?' she murmured.
'Ay, tha knows!' he said.
'But tell me!' she pleaded.
'Ay! Ay! 'asn't ter felt it?' he said dimly, but softly and surely. And
she clung close to him, closer. He was so much more peaceful in love
than she was, and she wanted him to reassure her.
'You do love me!' she whispered, assertive. And his hands stroked her
softly, as if she were a flower, without the quiver of desire, but with
delicate nearness. And still there haunted her a restless necessity to
get a grip on love.
'Say you'll always love me!' she pleaded.
'Ay!' he said, abstractedly. And she felt her questions driving him
away from her.
'Mustn't we get up?' he said at last.
'No!' she said.
But she could feel his consciousness straying, listening to the noises
outside.
'It'll be nearly dark,' he said. And she heard the pressure of
circumstances in his voice. She kissed him, with a woman's grief at
yielding up her hour.
He rose, and turned up the lantern, then began to pull on his clothes,
quickly disappearing inside them. Then he stood there, above her,
fastening his breeches and looking down at her with dark, wide-eyes,
his face a little flushed and his hair ruffled, curiously warm and
still and beautiful in the dim light of the lantern, so beautiful, she
would never tell him how beautiful. It made her want to cling fast to
him, to hold him, for there was a warm, half-sleepy remoteness in his
beauty that made her want to cry out and clutch him, to have him. She
would never have him. So she lay on the blanket with curved, soft naked
haunches, and he had no idea what she was thinking, but to him too she
was beautiful, the soft, marvellous thing he could go into, beyond
everything.
'I love thee that I can go into thee,' he said.
'Do you like me?' she said, her heart beating.
'It heals it all up, that I can go into thee. I love thee that tha
opened to me. I love thee that I came into thee like that.'
He bent down and kissed her soft flank, rubbed his cheek against it,
then covered it up.
'And will you never leave me?' she said.
'Dunna ask them things,' he said.
'But you do believe I love you?' she said.
'Tha loved me just now, wider than iver tha thout tha would. But who
knows what'll 'appen, once tha starts thinkin' about it!'
'No, don't say those things!--And you don't really think that I wanted
to make use of you, do you?'
'How?'
'To have a child--?'
'Now anybody can 'ave any childt i' th' world,' he said, as he sat down
fastening on his leggings.
'Ah no!' she cried. 'You don't mean it?'
'Eh well!' he said, looking at her under his brows. 'This wor t' best.'
She lay still. He softly opened the door. The sky was dark blue, with
crystalline, turquoise rim. He went out, to shut up the hens, speaking
softly to his dog. And she lay and wondered at the wonder of life, and
of being.
When he came back she was still lying there, glowing like a gipsy. He
sat on the stool by her.
'Tha mun come one naight ter th' cottage, afore tha goos; sholl ter?'
he asked, lifting his eyebrows as he looked at her, his hands dangling
between his knees.
'Sholl ter?' she echoed, teasing.
He smiled. 'Ay, sholl ter?' he repeated.
'Ay!' she said, imitating the dialect sound.
'Yi!' he said.
'Yi!' she repeated.
'An' slaip wi' me,' he said. 'It needs that. When sholt come?'
'When sholl I?' she said.
'Nay,' he said, 'tha canna do't. When sholt come then?'
''Appen Sunday,' she said.
''Appen a' Sunday! Ay!'
He laughed at her quickly.
'Nay, tha canna,' he protested.
'Why canna I?' she said.
Chapter 13
On Sunday Clifford wanted to go into the wood. It was a lovely morning,
the pear-blossom and plum had suddenly appeared in the world in a
wonder of white here and there.
It was cruel for Clifford, while the world bloomed, to have to be
helped from chair to bath-chair. But he had forgotten, and even seemed
to have a certain conceit of himself in his lameness. Connie still
suffered, having to lift his inert legs into place. Mrs Bolton did it
now, or Field.
She waited for him at the top of the drive, at the edge of the screen
of beeches. His chair came puffing along with a sort of valetudinarian
slow importance. As he joined his wife he said:
'Sir Clifford on his roaming steed!'
'Snorting, at least!' she laughed.
He stopped and looked round at the facade of the long, low old brown
house.
'Wragby doesn't wink an eyelid!' he said. 'But then why should it! I
ride upon the achievements of the mind of man, and that beats a horse.'
'I suppose it does. And the souls in Plato riding up to heaven in a
two-horse chariot would go in a Ford car now,' she said.
'Or a Rolls-Royce: Plato was an aristocrat!'
'Quite! No more black horse to thrash and maltreat. Plato never thought
we'd go one better than his black steed and his white steed, and have
no steeds at all, only an engine!'
'Only an engine and gas!' said Clifford. 'I hope I can have some repairs
done to the old place next year. I think I shall have about a thousand
to spare for that: but work costs so much!' he added.
'Oh, good!' said Connie. 'If only there aren't more strikes!'
'What would be the use of their striking again! Merely ruin the
industry, what's left of it: and surely the owls are beginning to see
it!'
'Perhaps they don't mind ruining the industry,' said Connie.
'Ah, don't talk like a woman! The industry fills their bellies, even if
it can't keep their pockets quite so flush,' he said, using turns of
speech that oddly had a twang of Mrs Bolton.
'But didn't you say the other day that you were a
conservative-anarchist,' she asked innocently.
'And did you understand what I meant?' he retorted. 'All I meant is,
people can be what they like and feel what they like and do what they
like, strictly privately, so long as they keep the FORM of life intact,
and the apparatus.'
Connie walked on in silence a few paces. Then she said, obstinately:
'It sounds like saying an egg may go as addled as it likes, so long as
it keeps its shell on whole. But addled eggs do break of themselves.'
'I don't think people are eggs,' he said. 'Not even angels' eggs, my
dear little evangelist.'
He was in rather high feather this bright morning. The larks were
trilling away over the park, the distant pit in the hollow was fuming
silent steam. It was almost like old days, before the war. Connie
didn't really want to argue. But then she did not really want to go to
the wood with Clifford either. So she walked beside his chair in a
certain obstinacy of spirit.
'No,' he said. 'There will be no more strikes, if the thing is
properly managed.'
'Why not?'
'Because strikes will be made as good as impossible.'
'But will the men let you?' she asked.
'We shan't ask them. We shall do it while they aren't looking: for
their own good, to save the industry.'
'For your own good too,' she said.
'Naturally! For the good of everybody. But for their good even more
than mine. I can live without the pits. They can't. They'll starve if
there are no pits. I've got other provision.'
They looked up the shallow valley at the mine, and beyond it, at the
black-lidded houses of Tevershall crawling like some serpent up the
hill. From the old brown church the bells were ringing: Sunday,
Sunday, Sunday!
'But will the men let you dictate terms?' she said.
'My dear, they will have to: if one does it gently.'
'But mightn't there be a mutual understanding?'
'Absolutely: when they realize that the industry comes before the
individual.'
'But must you own the industry?' she said.
'I don't. But to the extent I do own it, yes, most decidedly. The
ownership of property has now become a religious question: as it has
been since Jesus and St Francis. The point is NOT: take all thou hast
and give to the poor, but use all thou hast to encourage the industry
and give work to the poor. It's the only way to feed all the mouths and
clothe all the bodies. Giving away all we have to the poor spells
starvation for the poor just as much as for us. And universal
starvation is no high aim. Even general poverty is no lovely thing.
Poverty is ugly.'
'But the disparity?'
'That is fate. Why is the star Jupiter bigger than the star Neptune?
You can't start altering the make-up of things!'
'But when this envy and jealousy and discontent has once started--' she
began.
'Do your best to stop it. Somebody's GOT to be boss of the show.'
'But who is boss of the show?' she asked.
'The men who own and run the industries.'
There was a long silence.
'It seems to me they're a bad boss,' she said.
'Then you suggest what they should do.'
'They don't take their boss-ship seriously enough,' she said.
'They take it far more seriously than you take your ladyship,' he said.
'That's thrust upon me. I don't really want it,' she blurted out. He
stopped the chair and looked at her.
'Who's shirking their responsibility now!' he said. 'Who is trying to
get away NOW from the responsibility of their own boss-ship, as you
call it?'
'But I don't want any boss-ship,' she protested.
'Ah! But that is funk. You've got it: fated to it. And you should live
up to it. Who has given the colliers all they have that's worth having:
all their political liberty, and their education, such as it is, their
sanitation, their health-conditions, their books, their music,
everything. Who has given it them? Have colliers given it to colliers?
No! All the Wragbys and Shipleys in England have given their part, and
must go on giving. There's your responsibility.'
Connie listened, and flushed very red.
'I'd like to give something,' she said. 'But I'm not allowed.
Everything is to be sold and paid for now; and all the things you
mention now, Wragby and Shipley SELLS them to the people, at a good
profit. Everything is sold. You don't give one heart-beat of real
sympathy. And besides, who has taken away from the people their natural
life and manhood, and given them this industrial horror? Who has done
that?'
'And what must I do?' he asked, green. 'Ask them to come and pillage
me?'
'Why is Tevershall so ugly, so hideous? Why are their lives so
hopeless?'
'They built their own Tevershall, that's part of their display of
freedom. They built themselves their pretty Tevershall, and they live
their own pretty lives. I can't live their lives for them. Every beetle
must live its own life.'
'But you make them work for you. They live the life of your coal-mine.'
'Not at all. Every beetle finds its own food. Not one man is forced to
work for me.
'Their lives are industrialized and hopeless, and so are ours,' she
cried.
'I don't think they are. That's just a romantic figure of speech, a
relic of the swooning and die-away romanticism. You don't look at all a
hopeless figure standing there, Connie my dear.'
Which was true. For her dark-blue eyes were flashing, her colour was
hot in her cheeks, she looked full of a rebellious passion far from the
dejection of hopelessness. She noticed, in the tussocky places of the
grass, cottony young cowslips standing up still bleared in their down.
And she wondered with rage, why it was she felt Clifford was so WRONG,
yet she couldn't say it to him, she could not say exactly WHERE he was
wrong.
'No wonder the men hate you,' she said.
'They don't!' he replied. 'And don't fall into errors: in your sense of
the word, they are NOT men. They are animals you don't understand, and
never could. Don't thrust your illusions on other people. The masses
were always the same, and will always be the same. Nero's slaves were
extremely little different from our colliers or the Ford motor-car
workmen. I mean Nero's mine slaves and his field slaves. It is the
masses: they are the unchangeable. An individual may emerge from the
masses. But the emergence doesn't alter the mass. The masses are
unalterable. It is one of the most momentous facts of social science.
PANEM ET CIRCENSES! Only today education is one of the bad substitutes
for a circus. What is wrong today is that we've made a profound hash of
the circuses part of the programme, and poisoned our masses with a
little education.'
When Clifford became really roused in his feelings about the common
people, Connie was frightened. There was something devastatingly true
in what he said. But it was a truth that killed.
Seeing her pale and silent, Clifford started the chair again, and no
more was said till he halted again at the wood gate, which she opened.
'And what we need to take up now,' he said, 'is whips, not swords. The
masses have been ruled since time began, and till time ends, ruled they
will have to be. It is sheer hypocrisy and farce to say they can rule
themselves.'
'But can you rule them?' she asked.
'I? Oh yes! Neither my mind nor my will is crippled, and I don't rule
with my legs. I can do my share of ruling: absolutely, my share; and
give me a son, and he will be able to rule his portion after me.'
'But he wouldn't be your own son, of your own ruling class; or perhaps
not,' she stammered.
'I don't care who his father may be, so long as he is a healthy man not
below normal intelligence. Give me the child of any healthy, normally
intelligent man, and I will make a perfectly competent Chatterley of
him. It is not who begets us, that matters, but where fate places us.
Place any child among the ruling classes, and he will grow up, to his
own extent, a ruler. Put kings' and dukes' children among the masses,
and they'll be little plebeians, mass products. It is the overwhelming
pressure of environment.'
'Then the common people aren't a race, and the aristocrats aren't
blood,' she said.
'No, my child! All that is romantic illusion. Aristocracy is a
function, a part of fate. And the masses are a functioning of another
part of fate. The individual hardly matters. It is a question of which
function you are brought up to and adapted to. It is not the
individuals that make an aristocracy: it is the functioning of the
aristocratic whole. And it is the functioning of the whole mass that
makes the common man what he is.'
'Then there is no common humanity between us all!'
'Just as you like. We all need to fill our bellies. But when it comes
to expressive or executive functioning, I believe there is a gulf and
an absolute one, between the ruling and the serving classes. The two
functions are opposed. And the function determines the individual.'
Connie looked at him with dazed eyes.
'Won't you come on?' she said.
And he started his chair. He had said his say. Now he lapsed into his
peculiar and rather vacant apathy, that Connie found so trying. In the
wood, anyhow, she was determined not to argue.
In front of them ran the open cleft of the riding, between the hazel
walls and the gay grey trees. The chair puffed slowly on, slowly
surging into the forget-me-nots that rose up in the drive like milk
froth, beyond the hazel shadows. Clifford steered the middle course,
where feet passing had kept a channel through the flowers. But Connie,
walking behind, had watched the wheels jolt over the wood-ruff and the
bugle, and squash the little yellow cups of the creeping-jenny. Now
they made a wake through the forget-me-nots.
All the flowers were there, the first bluebells in blue pools, like
standing water.
'You are quite right about its being beautiful,' said Clifford. 'It is
so amazingly. What is QUITE so lovely as an English spring!'
Connie thought it sounded as if even the spring bloomed by act of
Parliament. An English spring! Why not an Irish one? or Jewish? The
chair moved slowly ahead, past tufts of sturdy bluebells that stood up
like wheat and over grey burdock leaves. When they came to the open
place where the trees had been felled, the light flooded in rather
stark. And the bluebells made sheets of bright blue colour, here and
there, sheering off into lilac and purple. And between, the bracken was
lifting its brown curled heads, like legions of young snakes with a new
secret to whisper to Eve. Clifford kept the chair going till he came to
the brow of the hill; Connie followed slowly behind. The oak-buds were
opening soft and brown. Everything came tenderly out of the old
hardness. Even the snaggy craggy oak-trees put out the softest young
leaves, spreading thin, brown little wings like young bat-wings in the
light. Why had men never any newness in them, any freshness to come
forth with! Stale men!
Clifford stopped the chair at the top of the rise and looked down. The
bluebells washed blue like flood-water over the broad riding, and lit
up the downhill with a warm blueness.
'It's a very fine colour in itself,' said Clifford, 'but useless for
making a painting.'
'Quite!' said Connie, completely uninterested.
'Shall I venture as far as the spring?' said Clifford.
'Will the chair get up again?' she said.
'We'll try; nothing venture, nothing win!'
And the chair began to advance slowly, joltingly down the beautiful
broad riding washed over with blue encroaching hyacinths. O last of all
ships, through the hyacinthian shallows! O pinnace on the last wild
waters, sailing in the last voyage of our civilization! Whither, O
weird wheeled ship, your slow course steering. Quiet and complacent,
Clifford sat at the wheel of adventure: in his old black hat and tweed
jacket, motionless and cautious. O Captain, my Captain, our splendid
trip is done! Not yet though! Downhill, in the wake, came Constance in
her grey dress, watching the chair jolt downwards.
They passed the narrow track to the hut. Thank heaven it was not wide
enough for the chair: hardly wide enough for one person. The chair
reached the bottom of the slope, and swerved round, to disappear. And
Connie heard a low whistle behind her. She glanced sharply round: the
keeper was striding downhill towards her, his dog keeping behind him.
'Is Sir Clifford going to the cottage?' he asked, looking into her
eyes.
'No, only to the well.'
'Ah! Good! Then I can keep out of sight. But I shall see you tonight. I
shall wait for you at the park-gate about ten.'
He looked again direct into her eyes.
'Yes,' she faltered.
They heard the Papp! Papp! of Clifford's horn, tooting for Connie. She
'Coo-eed!' in reply. The keeper's face flickered with a little grimace,
and with his hand he softly brushed her breast upwards, from
underneath. She looked at him, frightened, and started running down the
hill, calling Coo-ee! again to Clifford. The man above watched her,
then turned, grinning faintly, back into his path.
She found Clifford slowly mounting to the spring, which was halfway up
the slope of the dark larch-wood. He was there by the time she caught
him up.
'She did that all right,' he said, referring to the chair.
Connie looked at the great grey leaves of burdock that grew out ghostly
from the edge of the larch-wood. The people call it Robin Hood's
Rhubarb. How silent and gloomy it seemed by the well! Yet the water
bubbled so bright, wonderful! And there were bits of eye-bright and
strong blue bugle...And there, under the bank, the yellow earth was
moving. A mole! It emerged, rowing its pink hands, and waving its blind
gimlet of a face, with the tiny pink nose-tip uplifted.
'It seems to see with the end of its nose,' said Connie.
'Better than with its eyes!' he said. 'Will you drink?'
'Will you?'
She took an enamel mug from a twig on a tree, and stooped to fill it
for him. He drank in sips. Then she stooped again, and drank a little
herself.
'So icy!' she said gasping.
'Good, isn't it! Did you wish?'
'Did you?'
'Yes, I wished. But I won't tell.'
She was aware of the rapping of a woodpecker, then of the wind, soft
and eerie through the larches. She looked up. White clouds were
crossing the blue.
'Clouds!' she said.
'White lambs only,' he replied.
A shadow crossed the little clearing. The mole had swum out on to the
soft yellow earth.
'Unpleasant little beast, we ought to kill him,' said Clifford.
'Look! he's like a parson in a pulpit,' she said.
She gathered some sprigs of woodruff and brought them to him.
'New-mown hay!' he said. 'Doesn't it smell like the romantic ladies of
the last century, who had their heads screwed on the right way after
all!'
She was looking at the white clouds.
'I wonder if it will rain,' she said.
'Rain! Why! Do you want it to?'
They started on the return journey, Clifford jolting cautiously
downhill. They came to the dark bottom of the hollow, turned to the
right, and after a hundred yards swerved up the foot of the long slope,
where bluebells stood in the light.
'Now, old girl!' said Clifford, putting the chair to it.
It was a steep and jolty climb. The chair pugged slowly, in a
struggling unwilling fashion. Still, she nosed her way up unevenly,
till she came to where the hyacinths were all around her, then she
balked, struggled, jerked a little way out of the flowers, then stopped.
'We'd better sound the horn and see if the keeper will come,' said
Connie. 'He could push her a bit. For that matter, I will push. It
helps.'
'We'll let her breathe,' said Clifford. 'Do you mind putting a scotch
under the wheel?'
Connie found a stone, and they waited. After a while Clifford started
his motor again, then set the chair in motion. It struggled and
faltered like a sick thing, with curious noises.
'Let me push!' said Connie, coming up behind.
'No! Don't push!' he said angrily. 'What's the good of the damned
thing, if it has to be pushed! Put the stone under!'
There was another pause, then another start; but more ineffectual than
before.
'You MUST let me push,' said she. 'Or sound the horn for the keeper.'
'Wait!'
She waited; and he had another try, doing more harm than good.
'Sound the horn then, if you won't let me push,' she said.
'Hell! Be quiet a moment!'
She was quiet a moment: he made shattering efforts with the little
motor.
'You'll only break the thing down altogether, Clifford,' she
remonstrated; 'besides wasting your nervous energy.'
'If I could only get out and look at the damned thing!' he said,
exasperated. And he sounded the horn stridently. 'Perhaps Mellors can
see what's wrong.'
They waited, among the mashed flowers under a sky softly curdling with
cloud. In the silence a wood-pigeon began to coo roo-hoo hoo! roo-hoo
hoo! Clifford shut her up with a blast on the horn.
The keeper appeared directly, striding inquiringly round the corner. He
saluted.
'Do you know anything about motors?' asked Clifford sharply.
'I am afraid I don't. Has she gone wrong?'
'Apparently!' snapped Clifford.
The man crouched solicitously by the wheel, and peered at the little
engine.
'I'm afraid I know nothing at all about these mechanical things, Sir
Clifford,' he said calmly. 'If she has enough petrol and oil--'
'Just look carefully and see if you can see anything broken,' snapped
Clifford.
The man laid his gun against a tree, took off his coat, and threw it
beside it. The brown dog sat guard. Then he sat down on his heels and
peered under the chair, poking with his finger at the greasy little
engine, and resenting the grease-marks on his clean Sunday shirt.
'Doesn't seem anything broken,' he said. And he stood up, pushing back
his hat from his forehead, rubbing his brow and apparently studying.
'Have you looked at the rods underneath?' asked Clifford. 'See if they
are all right!'
The man lay flat on his stomach on the floor, his neck pressed back,
wriggling under the engine and poking with his finger. Connie thought
what a pathetic sort of thing a man was, feeble and small-looking, when
he was lying on his belly on the big earth.
'Seems all right as far as I can see,' came his muffled voice.
'I don't suppose you can do anything,' said Clifford.
'Seems as if I can't!' And he scrambled up and sat on his heels,
collier fashion. 'There's certainly nothing obviously broken.'
Clifford started his engine, then put her in gear. She would not move.
'Run her a bit hard, like,' suggested the keeper.
Clifford resented the interference: but he made his engine buzz like a
blue-bottle. Then she coughed and snarled and seemed to go better.
'Sounds as if she'd come clear,' said Mellors.
But Clifford had already jerked her into gear. She gave a sick lurch
and ebbed weakly forwards.
'If I give her a push, she'll do it,' said the keeper, going behind.
'Keep off!' snapped Clifford. 'She'll do it by herself.'
'But Clifford!' put in Connie from the bank, 'you know it's too much
for her. Why are you so obstinate!'
Clifford was pale with anger. He jabbed at his levers. The chair gave a
sort of scurry, reeled on a few more yards, and came to her end amid a
particularly promising patch of bluebells.
'She's done!' said the keeper. 'Not power enough.'
'She's been up here before,' said Clifford coldly.
'She won't do it this time,' said the keeper.
Clifford did not reply. He began doing things with his engine, running
her fast and slow as if to get some sort of tune out of her. The wood
re-echoed with weird noises. Then he put her in gear with a jerk,
having jerked off his brake.
'You'll rip her inside out,' murmured the keeper.
The chair charged in a sick lurch sideways at the ditch.
'Clifford!' cried Connie, rushing forward.
But the keeper had got the chair by the rail. Clifford, however,
putting on all his pressure, managed to steer into the riding, and with
a strange noise the chair was fighting the hill. Mellors pushed
steadily behind, and up she went, as if to retrieve herself.
'You see, she's doing it!' said Clifford, victorious, glancing over his
shoulder. There he saw the keeper's face.
'Are you pushing her?'
'She won't do it without.'
'Leave her alone. I asked you not.
'She won't do it.'
'LET HER TRY!' snarled Clifford, with all his emphasis.
The keeper stood back: then turned to fetch his coat and gun. The chair
seemed to strangle immediately. She stood inert. Clifford, seated a
prisoner, was white with vexation. He jerked at the levers with his
hand, his feet were no good. He got queer noises out of her. In savage
impatience he moved little handles and got more noises out of her. But
she would not budge. No, she would not budge. He stopped the engine and
sat rigid with anger.
Constance sat on the bank and looked at the wretched and trampled
bluebells. 'Nothing quite so lovely as an English spring.' 'I can do my
share of ruling.' 'What we need to take up now is whips, not swords.'
'The ruling classes!'
The keeper strode up with his coat and gun, Flossie cautiously at his
heels. Clifford asked the man to do something or other to the engine.
Connie, who understood nothing at all of the technicalities of motors,
and who had had experience of breakdowns, sat patiently on the bank as
if she were a cipher. The keeper lay on his stomach again. The ruling
classes and the serving classes!
He got to his feet and said patiently:
'Try her again, then.'
He spoke in a quiet voice, almost as if to a child.
Clifford tried her, and Mellors stepped quickly behind and began to
push. She was going, the engine doing about half the work, the man the
rest.
Clifford glanced round, yellow with anger.
'Will you get off there!'
The keeper dropped his hold at once, and Clifford added: 'How shall I
know what she is doing!'
The man put his gun down and began to pull on his coat. He'd done.
The chair began slowly to run backwards.
'Clifford, your brake!' cried Connie.
She, Mellors, and Clifford moved at once, Connie and the keeper
jostling lightly. The chair stood. There was a moment of dead silence.
'It's obvious I'm at everybody's mercy!' said Clifford. He was yellow
with anger.
No one answered. Mellors was slinging his gun over his shoulder, his
face queer and expressionless, save for an abstracted look of patience.
The dog Flossie, standing on guard almost between her master's legs,
moved uneasily, eyeing the chair with great suspicion and dislike, and
very much perplexed between the three human beings. The TABLEAU VIVANT
remained set among the squashed bluebells, nobody proffering a word.
'I expect she'll have to be pushed,' said Clifford at last, with an
affectation of SANG FROID.
No answer. Mellors' abstracted face looked as if he had heard nothing.
Connie glanced anxiously at him. Clifford too glanced round.
'Do you mind pushing her home, Mellors!' he said in a cool superior
tone. 'I hope I have said nothing to offend you,' he added, in a tone
of dislike.
'Nothing at all, Sir Clifford! Do you want me to push that chair?'
'If you please.'
The man stepped up to it: but this time it was without effect. The
brake was jammed. They poked and pulled, and the keeper took off his
gun and his coat once more. And now Clifford said never a word. At last
the keeper heaved the back of the chair off the ground and, with an
instantaneous push of his foot, tried to loosen the wheels. He failed,
the chair sank. Clifford was clutching the sides. The man gasped with
the weight.
'Don't do it!' cried Connie to him.
'If you'll pull the wheel that way, so!' he said to her, showing her
how.
'No! You mustn't lift it! You'll strain yourself,' she said, flushed
now with anger.
But he looked into her eyes and nodded. And she had to go and take hold
of the wheel, ready. He heaved and she tugged, and the chair reeled.
'For God's sake!' cried Clifford in terror.
But it was all right, and the brake was off. The keeper put a stone
under the wheel, and went to sit on the bank, his heart beat and his
face white with the effort, semi-conscious.
Connie looked at him, and almost cried with anger. There was a pause
and a dead silence. She saw his hands trembling on his thighs.
'Have you hurt yourself?' she asked, going to him.
'No. No!' He turned away almost angrily.
There was dead silence. The back of Clifford's fair head did not move.
Even the dog stood motionless. The sky had clouded over.
At last he sighed, and blew his nose on his red handkerchief.
'That pneumonia took a lot out of me,' he said.
No one answered. Connie calculated the amount of strength it must have
taken to heave up that chair and the bulky Clifford: too much, far too
much! If it hadn't killed him!
He rose, and again picked up his coat, slinging it through the handle
of the chair.
'Are you ready, then, Sir Clifford?'
'When you are!'
He stooped and took out the scotch, then put his weight against the
chair. He was paler than Connie had ever seen him: and more absent.
Clifford was a heavy man: and the hill was steep. Connie stepped to the
keeper's side.
'I'm going to push too!' she said.
And she began to shove with a woman's turbulent energy of anger. The
chair went faster. Clifford looked round.
'Is that necessary?' he said.
'Very! Do you want to kill the man! If you'd let the motor work while
it would--'
But she did not finish. She was already panting. She slackened off a
little, for it was surprisingly hard work.
'Ay! slower!' said the man at her side, with a faint smile of his eyes.
'Are you sure you've not hurt yourself?' she said fiercely.
He shook his head. She looked at his smallish, short, alive hand,
browned by the weather. It was the hand that caressed her. She had
never even looked at it before. It seemed so still, like him, with a
curious inward stillness that made her want to clutch it, as if she
could not reach it. All her soul suddenly swept towards him: he was so
silent, and out of reach! And he felt his limbs revive. Shoving with
his left hand, he laid his right on her round white wrist, softly
enfolding her wrist, with a caress. And the flame of strength went down
his back and his loins, reviving him. And she bent suddenly and kissed
his hand. Meanwhile the back of Clifford's head was held sleek and
motionless, just in front of them.
At the top of the hill they rested, and Connie was glad to let go. She
had had fugitive dreams of friendship between these two men: one her
husband, the other the father of her child. Now she saw the screaming
absurdity of her dreams. The two males were as hostile as fire and
water. They mutually exterminated one another. And she realized for the
first time what a queer subtle thing hate is. For the first time, she
had consciously and definitely hated Clifford, with vivid hate: as if
he ought to be obliterated from the face of the earth. And it was
strange, how free and full of life it made her feel, to hate him and to
admit it fully to herself.--'Now I've hated him, I shall never be able
to go on living with him,' came the thought into her mind.
On the level the keeper could push the chair alone. Clifford made a
little conversation with her, to show his complete composure: about
Aunt Eva, who was at Dieppe, and about Sir Malcolm, who had written to
ask would Connie drive with him in his small car, to Venice, or would
she and Hilda go by train.
'I'd much rather go by train,' said Connie. 'I don't like long motor
drives, especially when there's dust. But I shall see what Hilda
wants.'
'She will want to drive her own car, and take you with her,' he said.
'Probably!--I must help up here. You've no idea how heavy this chair
is.'
She went to the back of the chair, and plodded side by side with the
keeper, shoving up the pink path. She did not care who saw.
'Why not let me wait, and fetch Field? He is strong enough for the
job,' said Clifford.
'It's so near,' she panted.
But both she and Mellors wiped the sweat from their faces when they
came to the top. It was curious, but this bit of work together had
brought them much closer than they had been before.
'Thanks so much, Mellors,' said Clifford, when they were at the house
door. 'I must get a different sort of motor, that's all. Won't you go
to the kitchen and have a meal? It must be about time.'
'Thank you, Sir Clifford. I was going to my mother for dinner today,
Sunday.'
'As you like.'
Mellors slung into his coat, looked at Connie, saluted, and was gone.
Connie, furious, went upstairs.
At lunch she could not contain her feeling.
'Why are you so abominably inconsiderate, Clifford?' she said to him.
'Of whom?'
'Of the keeper! If that is what you call ruling classes, I'm sorry for
you.'
'Why?'
'A man who's been ill, and isn't strong! My word, if I were the serving
classes, I'd let you wait for service. I'd let you whistle.'
'I quite believe it.'
'If he'd been sitting in a chair with paralysed legs, and behaved as
you behaved, what would you have done for HIM?'
'My dear evangelist, this confusing of persons and personalities is in
bad taste.'
'And your nasty, sterile want of common sympathy is in the worst taste
imaginable. NOBLESSE OBLIGE! You and your ruling class!'
'And to what should it oblige me? To have a lot of unnecessary emotions
about my game-keeper? I refuse. I leave it all to my evangelist.'
'As if he weren't a man as much as you are, my word!'
'My game-keeper to boot, and I pay him two pounds a week and give him a
house.'
'Pay him! What do you think you pay for, with two pounds a week and a
house?'
'His services.'
'Bah! I would tell you to keep your two pounds a week and your house.'
'Probably he would like to: but can't afford the luxury!'
'You, and RULE!' she said. 'You don't rule, don't flatter yourself. You
have only got more than your share of the money, and make people work
for you for two pounds a week, or threaten them with starvation. Rule!
What do you give forth of rule? Why, you're dried up! You only bully
with your money, like any Jew or any Schieber!'
'You are very elegant in your speech, Lady Chatterley!'
'I assure you, you were very elegant altogether out there in the wood.
I was utterly ashamed of you. Why, my father is ten times the human
being you are: you GENTLEMAN!'
He reached and rang the bell for Mrs Bolton. But he was yellow at the
gills.
She went up to her room, furious, saying to herself: 'Him and buying
people! Well, he doesn't buy me, and therefore there's no need for me
to stay with him. Dead fish of a gentleman, with his celluloid soul!
And how they take one in, with their manners and their mock wistfulness
and gentleness. They've got about as much feeling as celluloid has.'
She made her plans for the night, and determined to get Clifford off
her mind. She didn't want to hate him. She didn't want to be mixed up
very intimately with him in any sort of feeling. She wanted him not to
know anything at all about herself: and especially, not to know
anything about her feeling for the keeper. This squabble of her
attitude to the servants was an old one. He found her too familiar, she
found him stupidly insentient, tough and indiarubbery where other
people were concerned.
She went downstairs calmly, with her old demure bearing, at
dinner-time. He was still yellow at the gills: in for one of his liver
bouts, when he was really very queer.--He was reading a French book.
'Have you ever read Proust?' he asked her.
'I've tried, but he bores me.'
'He's really very extraordinary.'
'Possibly! But he bores me: all that sophistication! He doesn't have
feelings, he only has streams of words about feelings. I'm tired of
self-important mentalities.'
'Would you prefer self-important animalities?'
'Perhaps! But one might possibly get something that wasn't
self-important.'
'Well, I like Proust's subtlety and his well-bred anarchy.'
'It makes you very dead, really.'
'There speaks my evangelical little wife.'
They were at it again, at it again! But she couldn't help fighting him.
He seemed to sit there like a skeleton, sending out a skeleton's cold
grizzly WILL against her. Almost she could feel the skeleton clutching
her and pressing her to its cage of ribs. He too was really up in arms:
and she was a little afraid of him.
She went upstairs as soon as possible, and went to bed quite early. But
at half past nine she got up, and went outside to listen. There was no
sound. She slipped on a dressing-gown and went downstairs. Clifford and
Mrs Bolton were playing cards, gambling. They would probably go on
until midnight.
Connie returned to her room, threw her pyjamas on the tossed bed, put
on a thin tennis-dress and over that a woollen day-dress, put on rubber
tennis-shoes, and then a light coat. And she was ready. If she met
anybody, she was just going out for a few minutes. And in the morning,
when she came in again, she would just have been for a little walk in
the dew, as she fairly often did before breakfast. For the rest, the
only danger was that someone should go into her room during the night.
But that was most unlikely: not one chance in a hundred.
Betts had not locked up. He fastened up the house at ten o'clock, and
unfastened it again at seven in the morning. She slipped out silently
and unseen. There was a half-moon shining, enough to make a little
light in the world, not enough to show her up in her dark-grey coat.
She walked quickly across the park, not really in the thrill of the
assignation, but with a certain anger and rebellion burning in her
heart. It was not the right sort of heart to take to a love-meeting.
But LA GUERRE COMME LA GUERRE!
Chapter 14
When she got near the park-gate, she heard the click of the latch. He
was there, then, in the darkness of the wood, and had seen her!
'You are good and early,' he said out of the dark. 'Was everything all
right?'
'Perfectly easy.'
He shut the gate quietly after her, and made a spot of light on the
dark ground, showing the pallid flowers still standing there open in
the night. They went on apart, in silence.
'Are you sure you didn't hurt yourself this morning with that chair?'
she asked.
'No, no!'
'When you had that pneumonia, what did it do to you?'
'Oh nothing! it left my heart not so strong and the lungs not so
elastic. But it always does that.'
'And you ought not to make violent physical efforts?'
'Not often.'
She plodded on in an angry silence.
'Did you hate Clifford?' she said at last.
'Hate him, no! I've met too many like him to upset myself hating him. I
know beforehand I don't care for his sort, and I let it go at that.'
'What is his sort?'
'Nay, you know better than I do. The sort of youngish gentleman a bit
like a lady, and no balls.'
'What balls?'
'Balls! A man's balls!'
She pondered this.
'But is it a question of that?' she said, a little annoyed.
'You say a man's got no brain, when he's a fool: and no heart, when
he's mean; and no stomach when he's a funker. And when he's got none of
that spunky wild bit of a man in him, you say he's got no balls. When
he's a sort of tame.'
She pondered this.
'And is Clifford tame?' she asked.
'Tame, and nasty with it: like most such fellows, when you come up
against 'em.'
'And do you think you're not tame?'
'Maybe not quite!'
At length she saw in the distance a yellow light.
She stood still.
'There is a light!' she said.
'I always leave a light in the house,' he said.
She went on again at his side, but not touching him, wondering why she
was going with him at all.
He unlocked, and they went in, he bolting the door behind them. As if
it were a prison, she thought! The kettle was singing by the red fire,
there were cups on the table.
She sat in the wooden arm-chair by the fire. It was warm after the
chill outside.
'I'll take off my shoes, they are wet,' she said.
She sat with her stockinged feet on the bright steel fender. He went to
the pantry, bringing food: bread and butter and pressed tongue. She was
warm: she took off her coat. He hung it on the door.
'Shall you have cocoa or tea or coffee to drink?' he asked.
'I don't think I want anything,' she said, looking at the table. 'But
you eat.'
'Nay, I don't care about it. I'll just feed the dog.'
He tramped with a quiet inevitability over the brick floor, putting
food for the dog in a brown bowl. The spaniel looked up at him
anxiously.
'Ay, this is thy supper, tha nedna look as if tha wouldna get it!' he
said.
He set the bowl on the stairfoot mat, and sat himself on a chair by the
wall, to take off his leggings and boots. The dog instead of eating,
came to him again, and sat looking up at him, troubled.
He slowly unbuckled his leggings. The dog edged a little nearer.
'What's amiss wi' thee then? Art upset because there's somebody else
here? Tha'rt a female, tha art! Go an' eat thy supper.'
He put his hand on her head, and the bitch leaned her head sideways
against him. He slowly, softly pulled the long silky ear.
'There!' he said. 'There! Go an' eat thy supper! Go!'
He tilted his chair towards the pot on the mat, and the dog meekly
went, and fell to eating.
'Do you like dogs?' Connie asked him.
'No, not really. They're too tame and clinging.'
He had taken off his leggings and was unlacing his heavy boots. Connie
had turned from the fire. How bare the little room was! Yet over his
head on the wall hung a hideous enlarged photograph of a young married
couple, apparently him and a bold-faced young woman, no doubt his wife.
'Is that you?' Connie asked him.
He twisted and looked at the enlargement above his head.
'Ay! Taken just afore we was married, when I was twenty-one.' He looked
at it impassively.
'Do you like it?' Connie asked him.
'Like it? No! I never liked the thing. But she fixed it all up to have
it done, like.'
He returned to pulling off his boots.
'If you don't like it, why do you keep it hanging there? Perhaps your
wife would like to have it,' she said.
He looked up at her with a sudden grin.
'She carted off iverything as was worth taking from th' 'ouse,' he
said. 'But she left THAT!'
'Then why do you keep it? for sentimental reasons?'
'Nay, I niver look at it. I hardly knowed it wor theer. It's bin theer
sin' we come to this place.'
'Why don't you burn it?' she said.
He twisted round again and looked at the enlarged photograph. It was
framed in a brown-and-gilt frame, hideous. It showed a clean-shaven,
alert, very young-looking man in a rather high collar, and a somewhat
plump, bold young woman with hair fluffed out and crimped, and wearing
a dark satin blouse.
'It wouldn't be a bad idea, would it?' he said.
He had pulled off his boots, and put on a pair of slippers. He stood up
on the chair, and lifted down the photograph. It left a big pale place
on the greenish wall-paper.
'No use dusting it now,' he said, setting the thing against the wall.
He went to the scullery, and returned with hammer and pincers. Sitting
where he had sat before, he started to tear off the back-paper from the
big frame, and to pull out the sprigs that held the backboard in
position, working with the immediate quiet absorption that was
characteristic of him.
He soon had the nails out: then he pulled out the backboards, then the
enlargement itself, in its solid white mount. He looked at the
photograph with amusement.
'Shows me for what I was, a young curate, and her for what she was, a
bully,' he said. 'The prig and the bully!'
'Let me look!' said Connie.
He did look indeed very clean-shaven and very clean altogether, one of
the clean young men of twenty years ago. But even in the photograph his
eyes were alert and dauntless. And the woman was not altogether a
bully, though her jowl was heavy. There was a touch of appeal in her.
'One never should keep these things,' said Connie.
'That, one shouldn't! One should never have them made!'
He broke the cardboard photograph and mount over his knee, and when it
was small enough, put it on the fire.
'It'll spoil the fire though,' he said.
The glass and the backboard he carefully took upstairs.
The frame he knocked asunder with a few blows of the hammer, making the
stucco fly. Then he took the pieces into the scullery.
'We'll burn that tomorrow,' he said. 'There's too much plaster-moulding
on it.'
Having cleared away, he sat down.
'Did you love your wife?' she asked him.
'Love?' he said. 'Did you love Sir Clifford?'
But she was not going to be put off.
'But you cared for her?' she insisted.
'Cared?' He grinned.
'Perhaps you care for her now,' she said.
'Me!' His eyes widened. 'Ah no, I can't think of her,' he said quietly.
'Why?'
But he shook his head.
'Then why don't you get a divorce? She'll come back to you one day,'
said Connie.
He looked up at her sharply.
'She wouldn't come within a mile of me. She hates me a lot worse than I
hate her.'
'You'll see she'll come back to you.'
'That she never will. That's done! It would make me sick to see her.'
'You will see her. And you're not even legally separated, are you?'
'No.'
'Ah well, then she'll come back, and you'll have to take her in.'
He gazed at Connie fixedly. Then he gave the queer toss of his head.
'You might be right. I was a fool ever to come back here. But I felt
stranded and had to go somewhere. A man's a poor bit of a wastrel blown
about. But you're right. I'll get a divorce and get clear. I hate those
things like death, officials and courts and judges. But I've got to get
through with it. I'll get a divorce.'
And she saw his jaw set. Inwardly she exulted.
'I think I will have a cup of tea now,' she said.
He rose to make it. But his face was set.
As they sat at table she asked him:
'Why did you marry her? She was commoner than yourself. Mrs Bolton told
me about her. She could never understand why you married her.'
He looked at her fixedly.
'I'll tell you,' he said. 'The first girl I had, I began with when I
was sixteen. She was a school-master's daughter over at Ollerton,
pretty, beautiful really. I was supposed to be a clever sort of young
fellow from Sheffield Grammar School, with a bit of French and German,
very much up aloft. She was the romantic sort that hated commonness.
She egged me on to poetry and reading: in a way, she made a man of me.
I read and I thought like a house on fire, for her. And I was a clerk
in Butterley offices, thin, white-faced fellow fuming with all the
things I read. And about EVERYTHING I talked to her: but everything. We
talked ourselves into Persepolis and Timbuctoo. We were the most
literary-cultured couple in ten counties. I held forth with rapture to
her, positively with rapture. I simply went up in smoke. And she adored
me. The serpent in the grass was sex. She somehow didn't have any; at
least, not where it's supposed to be. I got thinner and crazier. Then I
said we'd got to be lovers. I talked her into it, as usual. So she let
me. I was excited, and she never wanted it. She just didn't want it.
She adored me, she loved me to talk to her and kiss her: in that way
she had a passion for me. But the other, she just didn't want. And
there are lots of women like her. And it was just the other that I did
want. So there we split. I was cruel, and left her. Then I took on with
another girl, a teacher, who had made a scandal by carrying on with a
married man and driving him nearly out of his mind. She was a soft,
white-skinned, soft sort of a woman, older than me, and played the
fiddle. And she was a demon. She loved everything about love, except
the sex. Clinging, caressing, creeping into you in every way: but if
you forced her to the sex itself, she just ground her teeth and sent
out hate. I forced her to it, and she could simply numb me with hate
because of it. So I was balked again. I loathed all that. I wanted a
woman who wanted me, and wanted IT.
'Then came Bertha Coutts. They'd lived next door to us when I was a
little lad, so I knew 'em all right. And they were common. Well, Bertha
went away to some place or other in Birmingham; she said, as a lady's
companion; everybody else said, as a waitress or something in a hotel.
Anyhow just when I was more than fed up with that other girl, when I
was twenty-one, back comes Bertha, with airs and graces and smart
clothes and a sort of bloom on her: a sort of sensual bloom that you'd
see sometimes on a woman, or on a trolly. Well, I was in a state of
murder. I chucked up my job at Butterley because I thought I was a
weed, clerking there: and I got on as overhead blacksmith at
Tevershall: shoeing horses mostly. It had been my dad's job, and I'd
always been with him. It was a job I liked: handling horses: and it
came natural to me. So I stopped talking "fine", as they call it,
talking proper English, and went back to talking broad. I still read
books, at home: but I blacksmithed and had a pony-trap of my own, and
was My Lord Duckfoot. My dad left me three hundred pounds when he died.
So I took on with Bertha, and I was glad she was common. I wanted her
to be common. I wanted to be common myself. Well, I married her, and
she wasn't bad. Those other "pure" women had nearly taken all the
balls out of me, but she was all right that way. She wanted me, and
made no bones about it. And I was as pleased as punch. That was what I
wanted: a woman who WANTED me to fuck her. So I fucked her like a good
un. And I think she despised me a bit, for being so pleased about it,
and bringin' her her breakfast in bed sometimes. She sort of let things
go, didn't get me a proper dinner when I came home from work, and if I
said anything, flew out at me. And I flew back, hammer and tongs. She
flung a cup at me and I took her by the scruff of the neck and squeezed
the life out of her. That sort of thing! But she treated me with
insolence. And she got so's she'd never have me when I wanted her:
never. Always put me off, brutal as you like. And then when she'd put
me right off, and I didn't want her, she'd come all lovey-dovey, and
get me. And I always went. But when I had her, she'd never come off
when I did. Never! She'd just wait. If I kept back for half an hour,
she'd keep back longer. And when I'd come and really finished, then
she'd start on her own account, and I had to stop inside her till she
brought herself off, wriggling and shouting, she'd clutch clutch with
herself down there, an' then she'd come off, fair in ecstasy. And then
she'd say: That was lovely! Gradually I got sick of it: and she got
worse. She sort of got harder and harder to bring off, and she'd sort
of tear at me down there, as if it was a beak tearing at me. By God,
you think a woman's soft down there, like a fig. But I tell you the old
rampers have beaks between their legs, and they tear at you with it
till you're sick. Self! Self! Self! all self! tearing and shouting!
They talk about men's selfishness, but I doubt if it can ever touch a
woman's blind beakishness, once she's gone that way. Like an old trull!
And she couldn't help it. I told her about it, I told her how I hated
it. And she'd even try. She'd try to lie still and let ME work the
business. She'd try. But it was no good. She got no feeling off it,
from my working. She had to work the thing herself, grind her own
coffee. And it came back on her like a raving necessity, she had to let
herself go, and tear, tear, tear, as if she had no sensation in her
except in the top of her beak, the very outside top tip, that rubbed
and tore. That's how old whores used to be, so men used to say. It was
a low kind of self-will in her, a raving sort of self-will: like in a
woman who drinks. Well in the end I couldn't stand it. We slept apart.
She herself had started it, in her bouts when she wanted to be clear of
me, when she said I bossed her. She had started having a room for
herself. But the time came when I wouldn't have her coming to my room.
I wouldn't.
'I hated it. And she hated me. My God, how she hated me before that
child was born! I often think she conceived it out of hate. Anyhow,
after the child was born I left her alone. And then came the war, and I
joined up. And I didn't come back till I knew she was with that fellow
at Stacks Gate.'
He broke off, pale in the face.
'And what is the man at Stacks Gate like?' asked Connie.
'A big baby sort of fellow, very low-mouthed. She bullies him, and they
both drink.'
'My word, if she came back!'
'My God, yes! I should just go, disappear again.'
There was a silence. The pasteboard in the fire had turned to grey ash.
'So when you did get a woman who wanted you,' said Connie, 'you got a
bit too much of a good thing.'
'Ay! Seems so! Yet even then I'd rather have her than the never-never
ones: the white love of my youth, and that other poison-smelling lily,
and the rest.'
'What about the rest?' said Connie.
'The rest? There is no rest. Only to my experience the mass of women
are like this: most of them want a man, but don't want the sex, but
they put up with it, as part of the bargain. The more old-fashioned
sort just lie there like nothing and let you go ahead. They don't mind
afterwards: then they like you. But the actual thing itself is nothing
to them, a bit distasteful. Add most men like it that way. I hate it.
But the sly sort of women who are like that pretend they're not. They
pretend they're passionate and have thrills. But it's all cockaloopy.
They make it up. Then there's the ones that love everything, every kind
of feeling and cuddling and going off, every kind except the natural
one. They always make you go off when you're NOT in the only place you
should be, when you go off.--Then there's the hard sort, that are the
devil to bring off at all, and bring themselves off, like my wife. They
want to be the active party.--Then there's the sort that's just dead
inside: but dead: and they know it. Then there's the sort that puts you
out before you really "come", and go on writhing their loins till
they bring themselves off against your thighs. But they're mostly the
Lesbian sort. It's astonishing how Lesbian women are, consciously or
unconsciously. Seems to me they're nearly all Lesbian.'
'And do you mind?' asked Connie.
'I could kill them. When I'm with a woman who's really Lesbian, I
fairly howl in my soul, wanting to kill her.'
'And what do you do?'
'Just go away as fast as I can.'
'But do you think Lesbian women any worse than homosexual men?'
'I do! Because I've suffered more from them. In the abstract, I've no
idea. When I get with a Lesbian woman, whether she knows she's one or
not, I see red. No, no! But I wanted to have nothing to do with any
woman any more. I wanted to keep to myself: keep my privacy and my
decency.'
He looked pale, and his brows were sombre.
'And were you sorry when I came along?' she asked.
'I was sorry and I was glad.'
'And what are you now?'
'I'm sorry, from the outside: all the complications and the ugliness
and recrimination that's bound to come, sooner or later. That's when my
blood sinks, and I'm low. But when my blood comes up, I'm glad. I'm
even triumphant. I was really getting bitter. I thought there was no
real sex left: never a woman who'd really "come" naturally with a
man: except black women, and somehow, well, we're white men: and
they're a bit like mud.'
'And now, are you glad of me?' she asked.
'Yes! When I can forget the rest. When I can't forget the rest, I want
to get under the table and die.'
'Why under the table?'
'Why?' he laughed. 'Hide, I suppose. Baby!'
'You do seem to have had awful experiences of women,' she said.
'You see, I couldn't fool myself. That's where most men manage. They
take an attitude, and accept a lie. I could never fool myself. I knew
what I wanted with a woman, and I could never say I'd got it when I
hadn't.'
'But have you got it now?'
'Looks as if I might have.'
'Then why are you so pale and gloomy?'
'Bellyful of remembering: and perhaps afraid of myself.'
She sat in silence. It was growing late.
'And do you think it's important, a man and a woman?' she asked him.
'For me it is. For me it's the core of my life: if I have a right
relation with a woman.'
'And if you didn't get it?'
'Then I'd have to do without.'
Again she pondered, before she asked:
'And do you think you've always been right with women?'
'God, no! I let my wife get to what she was: my fault a good deal. I
spoilt her. And I'm very mistrustful. You'll have to expect it. It
takes a lot to make me trust anybody, inwardly. So perhaps I'm a fraud
too. I mistrust. And tenderness is not to be mistaken.'
She looked at him.
'You don't mistrust with your body, when your blood comes up,' she
said. 'You don't mistrust then, do you?'
'No, alas! That's how I've got into all the trouble. And that's why my
mind mistrusts so thoroughly.'
'Let your mind mistrust. What does it matter!'
The dog sighed with discomfort on the mat. The ash-clogged fire sank.
'We ARE a couple of battered warriors,' said Connie.
'Are you battered too?' he laughed. 'And here we are returning to the
fray!'
'Yes! I feel really frightened.'
'Ay!'
He got up, and put her shoes to dry, and wiped his own and set them
near the fire. In the morning he would grease them. He poked the ash of
pasteboard as much as possible out of the fire. 'Even burnt, it's
filthy,' he said. Then he brought sticks and put them on the hob for
the morning. Then he went out awhile with the dog.
When he came back, Connie said:
'I want to go out too, for a minute.'
She went alone into the darkness. There were stars overhead. She could
smell flowers on the night air. And she could feel her wet shoes
getting wetter again. But she felt like going away, right away from him
and everybody.
It was chilly. She shuddered, and returned to the house. He was sitting
in front of the low fire.
'Ugh! Cold!' she shuddered.
He put the sticks on the fire, and fetched more, till they had a good
crackling chimneyful of blaze. The rippling running yellow flame made
them both happy, warmed their faces and their souls.
'Never mind!' she said, taking his hand as he sat silent and remote.
'One does one's best.'
'Ay!' He sighed, with a twist of a smile.
She slipped over to him, and into his arms, as he sat there before the
fire.
'Forget then!' she whispered. 'Forget!'
He held her close, in the running warmth of the fire. The flame itself
was like a forgetting. And her soft, warm, ripe weight! Slowly his
blood turned, and began to ebb back into strength and reckless vigour
again.
'And perhaps the women REALLY wanted to be there and love you properly,
only perhaps they couldn't. Perhaps it wasn't all their fault,' she
said.
'I know it. Do you think I don't know what a broken-backed snake that's
been trodden on I was myself!'
She clung to him suddenly. She had not wanted to start all this again.
Yet some perversity had made her.
'But you're not now,' she said. 'You're not that now: a broken-backed
snake that's been trodden on.'
'I don't know what I am. There's black days ahead.'
'No!' she protested, clinging to him. 'Why? Why?'
'There's black days coming for us all and for everybody,' he repeated
with a prophetic gloom.
'No! You're not to say it!'
He was silent. But she could feel the black void of despair inside him.
That was the death of all desire, the death of all love: this despair
that was like the dark cave inside the men, in which their spirit was
lost.
'And you talk so coldly about sex,' she said. 'You talk as if you had
only wanted your own pleasure and satisfaction.'
She was protesting nervously against him.
'Nay!' he said. 'I wanted to have my pleasure and satisfaction of a
woman, and I never got it: because I could never get my pleasure and
satisfaction of HER unless she got hers of me at the same time. And it
never happened. It takes two.'
'But you never believed in your women. You don't even believe really in
me,' she said.
'I don't know what believing in a woman means.'
'That's it, you see!'
She still was curled on his lap. But his spirit was grey and absent, he
was not there for her. And everything she said drove him further.
'But what DO you believe in?' she insisted.
'I don't know.'
'Nothing, like all the men I've ever known,' she said.
They were both silent. Then he roused himself and said:
'Yes, I do believe in something. I believe in being warm-hearted. I
believe especially in being warm-hearted in love, in fucking with a
warm heart. I believe if men could fuck with warm hearts, and the women
take it warm-heartedly, everything would come all right. It's all this
cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy.'
'But you don't fuck me cold-heartedly,' she protested.
'I don't want to fuck you at all. My heart's as cold as cold potatoes
just now.'
'Oh!' she said, kissing him mockingly. 'Let's have them SAUTES.'
He laughed, and sat erect.
'It's a fact!' he said. 'Anything for a bit of warm-heartedness. But
the women don't like it. Even you don't really like it. You like good,
sharp, piercing cold-hearted fucking, and then pretending it's all
sugar. Where's your tenderness for me? You're as suspicious of me as a
cat is of a dog. I tell you it takes two even to be tender and
warm-hearted. You love fucking all right: but you want it to be called
something grand and mysterious, just to flatter your own
self-importance. Your own self-importance is more to you, fifty times
more, than any man, or being together with a man.'
'But that's what I'd say of you. Your own self-importance is everything
to you.'
'Ay! Very well then!' he said, moving as if he wanted to rise. 'Let's
keep apart then. I'd rather die than do any more cold-hearted fucking.'
She slid away from him, and he stood up.
'And do you think I want it?' she said.
'I hope you don't,' he replied. 'But anyhow, you go to bed an' I'll
sleep down here.'
She looked at him. He was pale, his brows were sullen, he was as
distant in recoil as the cold pole. Men were all alike.
'I can't go home till morning,' she said.
'No! Go to bed. It's a quarter to one.'
'I certainly won't,' she said.
He went across and picked up his boots.
'Then I'll go out!' he said.
He began to put on his boots. She stared at him.
'Wait!' she faltered. 'Wait! What's come between us?'
He was bent over, lacing his boot, and did not reply. The moments
passed. A dimness came over her, like a swoon. All her consciousness
died, and she stood there wide-eyed, looking at him from the unknown,
knowing nothing any more.
He looked up, because of the silence, and saw her wide-eyed and lost.
And as if a wind tossed him he got up and hobbled over to her, one shoe
off and one shoe on, and took her in his arms, pressing her against his
body, which somehow felt hurt right through. And there he held her, and
there she remained.
Till his hands reached blindly down and felt for her, and felt under
the clothing to where she was smooth and warm.
'Ma lass!' he murmured. 'Ma little lass! Dunna let's fight! Dunna let's
niver fight! I love thee an' th' touch on thee. Dunna argue wi' me!
Dunna! Dunna! Dunna! Let's be together.'
She lifted her face and looked at him.
'Don't be upset,' she said steadily. 'It's no good being upset. Do you
really want to be together with me?'
She looked with wide, steady eyes into his face. He stopped, and went
suddenly still, turning his face aside. All his body went perfectly
still, but did not withdraw.
Then he lifted his head and looked into her eyes, with his odd, faintly
mocking grin, saying: 'Ay-ay! Let's be together on oath.'
'But really?' she said, her eyes filling with tears.
'Ay really! Heart an' belly an' cock.'
He still smiled faintly down at her, with the flicker of irony in his
eyes, and a touch of bitterness.
She was silently weeping, and he lay with her and went into her there
on the hearthrug, and so they gained a measure of equanimity. And then
they went quickly to bed, for it was growing chill, and they had tired
each other out. And she nestled up to him, feeling small and enfolded,
and they both went to sleep at once, fast in one sleep. And so they lay
and never moved, till the sun rose over the wood and day was beginning.
Then he woke up and looked at the light. The curtains were drawn. He
listened to the loud wild calling of blackbirds and thrushes in the
wood. It would be a brilliant morning, about half past five, his hour
for rising. He had slept so fast! It was such a new day! The woman was
still curled asleep and tender. His hand moved on her, and she opened
her blue wondering eyes, smiling unconsciously into his face.
'Are you awake?' she said to him.
He was looking into her eyes. He smiled, and kissed her. And suddenly
she roused and sat up.
'Fancy that I am here!' she said.
She looked round the whitewashed little bedroom with its sloping
ceiling and gable window where the white curtains were closed. The room
was bare save for a little yellow-painted chest of drawers, and a
chair: and the smallish white bed in which she lay with him.
'Fancy that we are here!' she said, looking down at him. He was lying
watching her, stroking her breasts with his fingers, under the thin
nightdress. When he was warm and smoothed out, he looked young and
handsome. His eyes could look so warm. And she was fresh and young like
a flower.
'I want to take this off!' she said, gathering the thin batiste
nightdress and pulling it over her head. She sat there with bare
shoulders and longish breasts faintly golden. He loved to make her
breasts swing softly, like bells.
'You must take off your pyjamas too,' she said.
'Eh, nay!'
'Yes! Yes!' she commanded.
And he took off his old cotton pyjama-jacket, and pushed down the
trousers. Save for his hands and wrists and face and neck he was white
as milk, with fine slender muscular flesh. To Connie he was suddenly
piercingly beautiful again, as when she had seen him that afternoon
washing himself.
Gold of sunshine touched the closed white curtain. She felt it wanted
to come in.
'Oh, do let's draw the curtains! The birds are singing so! Do let the
sun in,' she said.
He slipped out of bed with his back to her, naked and white and thin,
and went to the window, stooping a little, drawing the curtains and
looking out for a moment. The back was white and fine, the small
buttocks beautiful with an exquisite, delicate manliness, the back of
the neck ruddy and delicate and yet strong.
There was an inward, not an outward strength in the delicate fine body.
'But you are beautiful!' she said. 'So pure and fine! Come!' She held
her arms out.
He was ashamed to turn to her, because of his aroused nakedness.
He caught his shirt off the floor, and held it to him, coming to her.
'No!' she said still holding out her beautiful slim arms from her
dropping breasts. 'Let me see you!'
He dropped the shirt and stood still looking towards her. The sun
through the low window sent in a beam that lit up his thighs and slim
belly and the erect phallos rising darkish and hot-looking from the
little cloud of vivid gold-red hair. She was startled and afraid.
'How strange!' she said slowly. 'How strange he stands there! So big!
and so dark and cock-sure! Is he like that?'
The man looked down the front of his slender white body, and laughed.
Between the slim breasts the hair was dark, almost black. But at the
root of the belly, where the phallos rose thick and arching, it was
gold-red, vivid in a little cloud.
'So proud!' she murmured, uneasy. 'And so lordly! Now I know why men
are so overbearing! But he's lovely, REALLY. Like another being! A bit
terrifying! But lovely really! And he comes to ME!--' She caught her
lower lip between her teeth, in fear and excitement.
The man looked down in silence at the tense phallos, that did not
change.--'Ay!' he said at last, in a little voice. 'Ay ma lad! tha're
theer right enough. Yi, tha mun rear thy head! Theer on thy own, eh?
an' ta'es no count O' nob'dy! Tha ma'es nowt O' me, John Thomas. Art
boss? of me? Eh well, tha're more cocky than me, an' tha says less.
John Thomas! Dost want HER? Dost want my lady Jane? Tha's dipped me in
again, tha hast. Ay, an' tha comes up smilin'.--Ax 'er then! Ax lady
Jane! Say: Lift up your heads, O ye gates, that the king of glory may
come in. Ay, th' cheek on thee! Cunt, that's what tha're after. Tell
lady Jane tha wants cunt. John Thomas, an' th' cunt O' lady Jane!--'
'Oh, don't tease him,' said Connie, crawling on her knees on the bed
towards him and putting her arms round his white slender loins, and
drawing him to her so that her hanging, swinging breasts touched the
tip of the stirring, erect phallos, and caught the drop of moisture.
She held the man fast.
'Lie down!' he said. 'Lie down! Let me come!' He was in a hurry now.
And afterwards, when they had been quite still, the woman had to
uncover the man again, to look at the mystery of the phallos.
'And now he's tiny, and soft like a little bud of life!' she said,
taking the soft small penis in her hand. 'Isn't he somehow lovely! so
on his own, so strange! And so innocent! And he comes so far into me!
You must NEVER insult him, you know. He's mine too. He's not only
yours. He's mine! And so lovely and innocent!' And she held the penis
soft in her hand.
He laughed.
'Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in kindred love,' he said.
'Of course!' she said. 'Even when he's soft and little I feel my heart
simply tied to him. And how lovely your hair is here! quite, quite
different!'
'That's John Thomas's hair, not mine!' he said.
'John Thomas! John Thomas!' and she quickly kissed the soft penis, that
was beginning to stir again.
'Ay!' said the man, stretching his body almost painfully. 'He's got his
root in my soul, has that gentleman! An' sometimes I don' know what ter
do wi' him. Ay, he's got a will of his own, an' it's hard to suit him.
Yet I wouldn't have him killed.'
'No wonder men have always been afraid of him!' she said. 'He's rather
terrible.'
The quiver was going through the man's body, as the stream of
consciousness again changed its direction, turning downwards. And he
was helpless, as the penis in slow soft undulations filled and surged
and rose up, and grew hard, standing there hard and overweening, in its
curious towering fashion. The woman too trembled a little as she
watched.
'There! Take him then! He's thine,' said the man.
And she quivered, and her own mind melted out. Sharp soft waves of
unspeakable pleasure washed over her as he entered her, and started the
curious molten thrilling that spread and spread till she was carried
away with the last, blind flush of extremity.
He heard the distant hooters of Stacks Gate for seven o'clock. It was
Monday morning. He shivered a little, and with his face between her
breasts pressed her soft breasts up over his ears, to deafen him.
She had not even heard the hooters. She lay perfectly still, her soul
washed transparent.
'You must get up, mustn't you?' he muttered.
'What time?' came her colourless voice.
'Seven-o'clock blowers a bit sin'.'
'I suppose I must.'
She was resenting as she always did, the compulsion from outside.
He sat up and looked blankly out of the window.
'You do love me, don't you?' she asked calmly.
He looked down at her.
'Tha knows what tha knows. What dost ax for!' he said, a little
fretfully.
'I want you to keep me, not to let me go,' she said.
His eyes seemed full of a warm, soft darkness that could not think.
'When? Now?'
'Now in your heart. Then I want to come and live with you, always,
soon.'
He sat naked on the bed, with his head dropped, unable to think.
'Don't you want it?' she asked.
'Ay!' he said.
Then with the same eyes darkened with another flame of consciousness,
almost like sleep, he looked at her.
'Dunna ax me nowt now,' he said. 'Let me be. I like thee. I luv thee
when tha lies theer. A woman's a lovely thing when 'er's deep ter fuck,
and cunt's good. Ah luv thee, thy legs, an' th' shape on thee, an' th'
womanness on thee. Ah luv th' womanness on thee. Ah luv thee wi' my balls
an' wi' my heart. But dunna ax me nowt. Dunna ma'e me say nowt. Let me
stop as I am while I can. Tha can ax me iverything after. Now let me
be, let me be!'
And softly, he laid his hand over her mound of Venus, on the soft brown
maiden-hair, and himself sat still and naked on the bed, his face
motionless in physical abstraction, almost like the face of Buddha.
Motionless, and in the invisible flame of another consciousness, he sat
with his hand on her, and waited for the turn.
After a while, he reached for his shirt and put it on, dressed himself
swiftly in silence, looked at her once as she still lay naked and
faintly golden like a Gloire de Dijon rose on the bed, and was gone.
She heard him downstairs opening the door.
And still she lay musing, musing. It was very hard to go: to go out of
his arms. He called from the foot of the stairs: 'Half past seven!' She
sighed, and got out of bed. The bare little room! Nothing in it at all
but the small chest of drawers and the smallish bed. But the board
floor was scrubbed clean. And in the corner by the window gable was a
shelf with some books, and some from a circulating library. She looked.
There were books about Bolshevist Russia, books of travel, a volume
about the atom and the electron, another about the composition of the
earth's core, and the causes of earthquakes: then a few novels: then
three books on India. So! He was a reader after all.
The sun fell on her naked limbs through the gable window. Outside she
saw the dog Flossie roaming round. The hazel-brake was misted with
green, and dark-green dogs-mercury under. It was a clear clean morning
with birds flying and triumphantly singing. If only she could stay! If
only there weren't the other ghastly world of smoke and iron! If only
HE would make her a world.
She came downstairs, down the steep, narrow wooden stairs. Still she
would be content with this little house, if only it were in a world of
its own.
He was washed and fresh, and the fire was burning. 'Will you eat
anything?' he said.
'No! Only lend me a comb.'
She followed him into the scullery, and combed her hair before the
handbreadth of mirror by the back door. Then she was ready to go.
She stood in the little front garden, looking at the dewy flowers, the
grey bed of pinks in bud already.
'I would like to have all the rest of the world disappear,' she said,
'and live with you here.'
'It won't disappear,' he said.
They went almost in silence through the lovely dewy wood. But they were
together in a world of their own.
It was bitter to her to go on to Wragby.
'I want soon to come and live with you altogether,' she said as she
left him.
He smiled, unanswering.
She got home quietly and unremarked, and went up to her room.
Friday, February 14, 2014
lady chaterly 13-15
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